just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
