This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
