Don't make out with my wife yet
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
