my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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