i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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