He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
