Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
