im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sext me about skeletons
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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