My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Randomize
