how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
