I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
