Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
