I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
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The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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