He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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