My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
