oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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