i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
