ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I want to make a zoo with you.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
