U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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