You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
