From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize