i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
