Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
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In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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