I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
