Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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