i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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