the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
