I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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