I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
