My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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