i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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