My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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