Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
