I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
