Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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