first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
