I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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