moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
