I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
