worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
