I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
