Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize