Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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