Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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