1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
