I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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