I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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