i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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