if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Couch. On fire.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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