i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
