I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.