when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments