I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility