So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Your cock deserves a montage
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Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.