She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
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I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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