by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
