seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
