Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
