I'm really into asian looking animals
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
